The Titan Knight

Discussion in 'Creative' started by Arch, Aug 6, 2017.

  1. #1 Arch, Aug 6, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2017
    Hey there, this is a story i've been working on, it's far from done yet, but I figured what the hell I'll post it and see if anyone likes it, It centers around a character who has saved the realm and mankind itself several times, but no one really knows him, they only know his legacy and hero name which he himself, never liked. And i figure i'd write it in short stories, for every adventure.

    This is the Necromancer chapter i've been doing, if you like it great, if you don't i always like to become better so if you dislike something or think something should be changed please tell me

    The Town of Redcourt, , The Crowned Lion Inn.

    The innkeep looks at his establishment, standing behind the solid oak bar counter in his inn. The inn is crowded, people sitting inside drinking their spirits and drinks, sitting by the fire, playing cards and telling jokes.

    Right outside the Inn however, the wind is whipping and howling, rain turning to ice as soon it hits the ground as the innkeep notices a man outside the window heading toward the inn with decisive steps, the cold storm does not seem to phase this man as he steps closer and closer. Opening the door to the inn as he walks inside, revealing his long black greyish hair, visibly frozen, his left eye covered up in a piece of cloth tied behind his head as he removes his hood.

    The one eyed man keeps walking toward the counter removing his thick fur coat and cloak, as he hangs it on the bar stool.

    The man is wearing a solid steel armor plate over his torso, appearing very bulky and thick, engraved runes glowing and a thick leather belt going from shoulder to hip, with small flasks and satchels sewn in on it.

    His arms however are unarmored, but visibly scarred with cuts and stitches, his left arm has a visibly burned scar on his forearm , but his hand intact, a large wound, appearing to be a bite or a claw mark from some eldritch beast is visible on his right arm.

    ‘’Barkeep, i’d like something strong...preferably distilled from mandrake… but whatever will do, rum would be nice too.’’ He says as he slams down a full coin purse on the counter.

    ‘’Who the hell would walk around with a pouch like that in the open…’’ The Innkeep thinks to himself as he nods and smiles to the one eyed man.

    ‘’Here you go, have one of each’’ the innkeep says as he counts the coins.

    ‘’These are platinum coins..’’ The Innkeep says looking up.

    ‘’ That’s a problem?’’ The one eyed man replies as his black hair with grey streaks starts to thaw and drip.

    ‘’No… but with one of these… you could pretty much buy my entire inn… 10 coppers get’s you a drink… 25 coppers, a room for the night… 50 coppers… I’ll throw in a breakfast feast as well.’’

    ‘’So?’’ The one eyed man says as he raises his eyebrow.

    ‘’... Well… my lord, I don’t want to take too much or overcharge my fellow man, the gods don’t like it, and it’s morally wrong… and even worse the taxmen would just take it from me.’’

    ‘’Huh...well… I don’t have much else… how about this, give me these drinks.. A bottle, room for the night and one of those breakfasts… and i’ll give you five of these.. And you’ll be fine as long as you don’t start spending it like an insane person, a good tip is shopping at armorers and artifact peddlers, they always have a lot of money, mainly due to mercenaries and heroes always buying their shit… so buy something...small, and you’ll get change in coppers, gold and silver… problem solved!’’ The man says as he gathers five coins and put them on the counter.

    ‘’...Aye… I can’t argue with that… too good an offer.’’ The innkeep replies as he pockets the coins and gives the man 2 bottles of rum.

    ‘’If you don’t mind me asking, where did you come across this.. You don’t appear a merchant… you can’t be… not with that kind of offer… you’d lose all your earnings in an instant..where did you find it?’’ The innkeep asks smiling.

    ‘’ The Necromancer King Cassius lair. ‘’ The man says as he looks with his non covered eye at the innkeep.

    ‘’ he died a long time ago… but i suppose he had some loot left.’’ the Innkeep says as he smiles.

    ‘’Actually… I killed him… after our battle i made free with his treasures… He might’ve been a necromancer, but he spen time honing his skills in alchemy magic too, and owned a pet diamond scaled dragon… which i killed too… and took every scale for myself...incredible crafting component, and valuable too. ‘’ the one eyed man says smiling

    ‘’No… that’s impossible, he died almost a hundred years ago.’’ the innkeep says as his eyes widens.

    ‘’96 years, in 2 days… it will be exactly 96 years.’’ The one eyed man replies.

    ‘’... I can’t believe that, you’re old yeah… but not over 45.’’ the innkeep replies.

    ‘’ well, you’re free to believe that, My name is Jericho Wolff though so it’s the same name as Cassius killer..’’

    ‘’No, Cassius killer was a mystery Knight, known in legend as The Titan Knight, a warrior sent from heaven to execute the beasts and men that have managed escape hell itself!’’ The innkeep replies.

    Jericho says nothing as he stares at the innkeep.

    ‘’Believe what you will.’’ Jericho says growling. as he stands up and goes upstairs to his room.

    Jericho sits down at the desk in the rented room as he glances over a logbook, flipping through the pages... but he finds nothing interesting in it as he looks out the window, looking over a twisted tower, seemingly affected by black magic.

    '' We never manage to break the curse from the castle... did we Tovi?'' Jericho says as he sits down.

    Cassius Grave Castle, 96 years ago.

    Cassius stood upon his altar of skulls and bones as he cut open his hand dripping his blood over a large pentagram of bonemeal and corpses as he circled around

    ‘’You who left this world… soul bound in hell… rise again, rise again’’ Cassius chants as he keeps dripping his blood over the pentagram walking around it.

    ‘’ I COMMAND YOUR SOUL TO RISE, AND TAKE THIS VESSEL ‘’ Cassius roared as a bright red and black shimmering light rose as the corpses in the pentagram started twisting and disintegrating as it assembled as an ungodly horror, a beast of old ancient magic and blood.

    ‘’Kr’Ai Kthla Ireylah!’’ Cassius said as a black smoke rose from his palms covering the beast.

    the beast stood in front of him and his eyes opened as the smoke cleared.

    ‘’I am Cassius, your savior… tell me your name and swear your allegiance to me.’’ Cassius said as he looked at the hulking monster.

    The beast appeared, looking like something from a fever dream, an ungodly horror covered in teeth and horns, limbs where they should not be, two gigantic arms, capable of grabbing a horse with one hand, and two legs covered in fur, resembling that of a mammoth, tentacles erupting from his shoulders and tongue.

    ‘’ Troug ‘’ the monster replied in a thick booming voice.

    ‘’And whom do you serve?’’ Cassius asks as he opened his palm, inflicting pain upon every nerve of the monster.

    ‘’I… SERVE… CASSIUS.’’ The monster roared in pain as Cassius smiled

    ‘’Now… I command you to guard the front gates, the Grave Castle shall not be touched from the outside.’’ Cassius orders as the monster shambles toward the main gates, as Cassius walks toward his inner sanctum

    Cassius grabs a skull from the ground as he stares into the socket, the socket glowing red.

    ‘’Erlai-i’’ Cassius whispers as a vision appears to him, showing him being impaled by Jericho..

    ‘’... No...this cannot be, the beast should prevent this fate… why hasn’t it changed…’’ Cassius says as he tightens his fist crushing the skull.

    ‘’WHY’’ Cassius roars as his eyes glow red with hatred and malice.


    The Redcourt Forest,

    ‘’ Come on Tovi, we’re soon at the castle.’’ A large black haired and bearded man said smiling as he twirled his greatsword resting it upon his shoulder.

    ‘’Tovi’’ he said again turning around, revealing his amber eyes and youthful features, standing 2 meters tall wearing a thick black cloak and a white steel armor, with a blue shimmer erupting from the pauldrons.

    ‘’ Right behind you big guy.’’ Tovi replied, a short slender blue eyed elf replied as she smiled to him.

    ‘’We’ll soon finish of Cassius, and cleanse this land of necromancy… i’d never be able to do that without you Jericho… thanks… again.’’ Tovi said as Jericho smiled and grabbed her by the shoulder, standing almost a half meter above her.

    ‘’ You know me by now, I too want to purge this realm of the darkness, and everyone will know about me, Baneman of Cassius. However, your companionship has been an added bonus… I’m damn lucky to have you with me.’’ He says smiling grabbing her by the waist carrying her toward the castle as she laughs

    ‘’Let me go man’’ She says in a playful tone of voice.

    ‘’Let you go, no way, I’m carrying you to safety!’’ Jericho replies smiling.

    ‘’Hah, what are you protecting me from then?’’ she says as she tries to wriggle loose.

    ‘’ Don’t rightly know, survival instincts you know’’ he says laughing as he accidentally drops her to the ground on her back.

    ‘’Heh...i’m sorry’’ Jericho says as he looks at Tovi as Tovi sits back up and crosses her arms smiling mockingly as she looks at Jericho.

    ‘’I...uh.’’ Jericho says blushing mildly.

    ‘’Oh please..’’ Tovi replies as she stands up touches Jericho’s arm and rests her head on his shoulder.

    ‘’ so… ‘’ Jericho says as he grabs her by the waist lifting her up looking into her eyes, as he rests his forehead against hers, as she does the same.

    ‘’Mhmm, what’s going on in that little mind of yours?’’ She says as he silences her with a kiss.

    ‘’There was that I guess... ‘’ Jericho says as she responds kissing him back, as Jericho walks to a nearby tree, still carrying Tovi.
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  2. #2 Arch, Aug 6, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
    Tovi laid half bare on the patch of grass under the tree, a fur pelt covering her legs as she looks at Jericho.

    ‘’Might wanna get dressed Tovi… we’re soon at the end.’’ Jericho says as he buckles his belt of the Giant.

    ‘’That was nice… thank you.’’ Jericho said as he ties his hair behind his head looking at her.

    ‘’No need to say thanks Jay’’ she said as she cast a spell as a robe formed around her.

    ‘’Jay?... I don’t like that...Big guy was better.’’ Jericho responds as they walk closer toward the castle.

    ‘’Oh well, worth a shot.. Jay.’’ She says smiling mockingly.

    ‘’So, have the trees said anything?’’ Jericho says as he looks at her.

    ‘’No… the trees and nature has wilted around the Grave Castle…’’ Tovi says as she looks sadly at the trees becoming more wilting and twisted by eldritch magic as they near the castle, spotting the front gate as a loud moan and grunt is heard from the other side of the gate.

    ‘’Not far now… but keep on guard.’’ Jericho says as he draws his greatsword, as a current of electricity flows through it.

    ‘’CASSIUS, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM’’ Tovi yells as she casts a telekinetic blast smashing the drawbridge gate revealing Troug, Cassius’ newest beast, as he stares at Jericho sprinting toward him jumping over the gap in the bridge, charging toward Jericho.

    Jericho responds and charges back as they clash, Troug towering over Jerich slamming his fists at him as Jericho blocks the blows with his left arm. Troug looking surprised, a man of Jericho’s size should not be able to block Troug’s immense strength. ‘’The belt of the giant’’ Jericho says grinning as he thrusts his sword into Troug as Troug’s flesh disintegrates and shatters where the sword went in.

    ‘’What kind of magic… is this.’’ Troug says as he is put in stasis by Tovi. as Troug looks at Jericho.

    ‘’The Bane of Necropolis, Taken from the depths of the underworld, The sword was forged in hellfire and brimstone, Enchanted by the 7 Arch Devils, to send back the souls who were taken from hell, by necromancers.’’ Jericho says as he smiles, as Tovi nods

    Jericho nods back as he swings his sword over his head, cleaving Troug’s skull right in the middle, leaving it smoldering and smoking, as the beast is reduced to ash and dust, the soul of the beast sent back to hell.

    ‘’This sword is incredible…’’ Jericho says smiling as he looks at Tovi smiling back at him

    as she points to the castle gates, and they head further into the castle.

    ‘’What the fuck…’’ Cassius says as his connection to Troug breaks.

    ‘’Worthless beast… useless...’’ Cassius says as he kicks open his door looking at the entry hall awaiting Jericho and Tovi’s entrance, as the entrance door is flung open and broken in half by Tovi’s telekinesis.

    Cassius stares at Tovi and Jericho as they enter the Castle, his eyes glowing red as he tightens his fist.

    ‘’So.. You thought you could take me on...well I’ll not disappoint.’’ Cassius says as he jumps down to the entrance hall, unsheathing a thin black sword.

    ‘’Behold the Rapier of the damned.’’ Cassius says as he enters a stance with his left hand still opened.

    Jericho charged toward him and attempts a lunge as Cassius counters the lunge and knees Jericho to the Jaw as he attempts to grab a hold of Jericho through his magic.

    ‘’What the…’’ Cassius says stumped as he casts a spell A red lightning bolt hitting Jericho as the spell breaks, but shatters the pauldron of the armor.

    ‘’Where did you get that…’’ Cassius says as Jericho leaps toward him sword held high as Tovi focuses her magic and puts Cassius in a stasis, and Jericho’s blade lands right in Cassius shoulder as Cassius breaks free stumbling backwards, a large wound from his shoulder to his ribs.

    ‘’The Platemail of the Guardian, granting me near immunity to spells and magic of every sorts, without your spells, you’re nothing’’ Jericho says grinning.

    ‘’...’’ Cassius says nothing at first as blood shot out from his wound. ‘’No’’ Cassius growls as he tightens his fist and his wound appears to regenerate, as he charges back at Jericho, a fierce duel, for every strike Jericho attempts Cassius counters and strikes with his sword, cutting Jericho.

    Tovi prepares to cast a second spell as Cassius meets her gaze sending a red lightning bolt at her, as she is knocked to the ground, the second it hits her.

    Jericho glances at Tovi as he growls charging at Cassius, but is met with a swift punch right in his jaw as he is knocked back by Cassius.

    ‘’You’re good, but you can’t match me in any shape or form’’ Cassius says smugly as he casts a spell on himself, as he moves in a twirl with his sword, and after images appears right after every motion, striking Jericho over his plate, several more strikes land for every landed blow, as if the after images had swords as well. A large crush is heard as Jericho’s platemail shatters.

    ‘’I won’t be able to match his speed…’’ Jericho thinks to himself as he sighs

    ‘’Trapping then…’’

    Jericho lets loose a war cry and drops his sword charging himself at Cassius sword, impaling himself.

    ‘’I…’’ Jericho shouts as he coughs up blood ‘’I will not die here’’ Jericho growls as he brings down his fist shattering Cassius armor, as he grabs Cassius throat with his other hand.

    As Cassius stares at Jericho, meeting his gaze as a loud disgusting snap is heard, and Cassius corpse falls down to the ground.

    ‘’Is it done?’’ Tovi utters as Jericho removes the Rapier from his stomach.

    ‘’OH IT’S FAR FROM FUCKING DONE’’ Cassius voice is heard as a shadow is formed, and rises from the ground.

    ‘’You think you’ve won?, I’m a necromancer, mastering the spiritual plane, was the first step you fucking imbecile, you’ve set me back a few years, but you have lost’’ Cassius roars as he suddenly goes silent staring down at Jericho’s hand, holding Cassius in place with an amulet.

    ‘’The amulet of Purgatory, with this I too hold power in the spiritual plane.’’ Jericho says grinning

    ‘’NO!...’’ Cassius cries out as he looks at Jericho ‘’Don’t… I can grant you anything. Just don’t’’

    ‘’Too late.’’ Jericho says as he tightens his fist, crushing the amulet, as the Wraith of Cassius is destroyed, engulfed in flames, as his soul is cast down to hell.

    ‘’Yeah Tovi, We defeated Cassius… but… we need to clear this place of his beings and beasts.’’ Jericho utters as his skin is turned pale and his eyes blacken.

    ‘’Oh…’’ Jericho says as he turns to Tovi. ‘’NO… I’m not...done yet.’’ Jericho says as he collapses in a pool of his blood.

    About a day later, Jericho is awoken by his own yelling as he brings down his fist into the ground, his eyes shifted from their amber colour to a bloodshot grey hue, as he looks at his hands visibly paler than they used to be.

    ‘’Tovi?’’ Jericho utters as she appears from a portal, kneeling down and hugging him, as he hugs her back.

    ‘’I was sure you were dead… I couldn’t revive you at all… what happened.’’ Tovi asks as she stares at Jericho.

    ‘’I’m alive…’’ Jericho says as he smirks. ‘’Come on Tovi, We’re not done here yet, we need to clear this place from Cassius’ beasts and abominations…’’ Jericho says as he stands up.

    ‘’You coming with?’’ he says smiling as she hugs him ‘’Of course, we’re not done yet’’ She says as they embrace each other.
    Obama likes this.
  3. I like you're writing style, professional even. The dialogue and story is entertaining too.
    Arch likes this.
  4. Thanks, you're too kind, it's far from perfect, and i still make mistakes, but i'm glad you found it okay... I want to expand on this story, this is about the middle of Jericho's Adventure before he appears as just the old man, and I plan to have him go from the goody two shoes Knight he is know to become very damaged, but i'm still working on it.

    Again, Thanks :D
  5. No problem, anytime man.
    It's a good arc. Keep up the good writing, and you will make less mistakes over time.
  6. I'm interested in this story, but I've got some friendly criticisms for you, so you can improve:
    1. Story is kind of confusing. I'm not sure what makes this, but I'm not sure whats going on most of the time. The sparsely situated lines might have something to do with it.
    2. You've done a few writing no-nos. For example, having a character say "..." instead of just writing "He said nothing." Also, if you want your text to look nice and tidy, then usually when people are pausing during talking exactly three dots are used, never 2, 4 or more.
    3. When the stage turned from inn to lair, the transition was a little unnoticeable. I'd suggest next time you'd not have so many lines between normal dialogue, but have a few lines between scene changes, to make it all clear.

    These are just the problems that stood out to me now. I hope you keep writing this, seems like it could be really interesting. Good luck.
    Arch likes this.
  7. Thanks man :)
    I'll work on improving (Y)
    guul66 likes this.
  8. Hey, if I'd make a story I'd want you all to criticize it too. hinthintnudgenudge
  9. Go ahead man!

    this story is far from finished, i got some bits worked out, but the thing is that it's an ''rpg'' novel.
    the legendary items in this story are acutal legendary items (unlike RPG games where it's usually quite balanced), like the Giants belt, gives Jericho strength like that of a real giant and so on, and i kinda want to play around with that more, that he is so prepared for everything and that's why he is the greatest hero that the world knows, except no one knows him ^^

    Cassius arc is like the mid arc i guess too, i'm gonna have him recalling stories about his childhood, when he started out on an adventure (which will be very chliche, just because it's kinda the thing about this story, it's all tropes and clichés except he gets no fame for it, except for a very small amount of people, and the people who tells his stories always exaggerate and make it seem like he is someone from a prophecy or something like that... Which the main protagonist hates and he isn't sent by the gods, he is just very lucky, and determined.)
    guul66 likes this.
  10. Jericho discards his shattered plate armor, as he exhales deeply.

    Without his armor, Jericho appears a lot thinner, wearing a studded leather vest, with a black cotton shirt underneath both his vest and shirt are clearly covered in blood, and a lot of it..

    ''So Tovi... what do you say... shall we explore the catacombs of this wretched castle?'' Jericho says as he rolls up his sleeves.

    '' Yes...but, are you sure that you can carry on?'' Tovi asks as she looks at Jericho as he removes his leather vest and folds up his shirt, revealing the stab wound from Cassius.

    '' what the...'' Tovi says as she looks at the wound, the wound has a purple pale colour, the veins around it black as night, but there is no bleeding.

    '' I guess... I got better?'' Jericho says smiling as he rips of a sleeve from his shirt and covers up his wound.

    ''Better... That's magic... dark and...disturbing magic... but how?'' Tovi asks as Jericho folds down his shirt

    ''I don't know, but who cares... I'm alive... and we got work to do.'' Jericho says as he strokes Tovi's cheek and brushes her hair behind her ear.

    ''Right...'' Tovi says as she embraces Jericho as he chuckles.

    ''Let's move on'' Jericho says as he grabs his sword from the ground.

    As Tovi and Jericho makes their way down the catacombs using a twisted set of stairs, made from blood, stone and flesh, held together by dark magic.

    ''it's... horrifying'' Tovi says silentlym but her voice echoes loudly through the catacombs.
    ''Don't look at it...'' Jericho says as the stair step under him, writhes, and the flesh slowly wraps around his leg.
    '' Okay... we need to look'' Jericho says as he forcefully lifts his leg, and the flesh grabbing his leg, is ripped apart, freeing his leg, letting out a horrible stench of rotting corpses.

    ''ugh... what the fuck...'' Jericho says as he looks back at Tovi covering her mouth and nose.
    '' I think we should hurry, before'' Tovi lets out as the stairs rumble, and tosses them both downward, as if the stairs had a life of their own, as they fall downward Jericho reacts quickly and grabs a hold of Tovi's arm and pulls her toward him as he hits the cold stone floor underneath them. absorbing their impact himself.

    ''Jay!'' Tovi yells as he holds her tight.
    Jericho exhales from the impact, losing his breath ''... you okay?'' Jericho says inhaling painfully.
    ''...yes but, how about you?'' Tovi replies stunned.

    ''Oh... just fine'' Jericho says standing up coughing loudly as he looks infront of them

    Infront of them, there is a dark corridor, seemingly decked with bones and blood from Cassius victims.
    ''Holy... shit.'' Tovi says with her hand covering her mouth.

    ''Best... Move on'' Jericho says painfully as they walk into the corridor.

    As they walk every step they take is heard echoing through the halls loudly and clearly. looking through the dark tunnel, they see no signs of light or end, but they keep walking, and keep walking.

    '' How long?'' Jericho growls as he looks back

    '' I guess hours...'' Tovi says as she casts a spell of light in her hand, and thrusting it through the tunnel as the light is broken, and consumed by the dark.

    Jericho says nothing, but grabs Tovi by her shoulder spinning her in a half circle, as she sees the stairs made from flesh, that they walked down, several hours ago.

    ''I think...we're trapped.'' Jericho says quietly as he brings his fist into the wall.
    '' It must be an illusion... '' Tovi says as she pauses to conjure a spell.
    ''This should break it... if that's the case'' Tovi says as she casts a blue light from her palm but the spell fizzles and doesn't do anything.
    Tovi tries a second time to cast a new spell, but as soon as the magic light leaves her hands, it's scattered and nullified.
    ''... My magic is blocked here... I can't even open a portal.'' Tovi says frightened.

    ''FUCK'' Jericho yells as he clenches his fist.

    ''Well.. we should walk up again maybe?'' Tovi says as she tries to put her foot on the stair, but as soon she nears the stair, it shifts, and her foot can't be placed upon it.

    ''What in the...'' Tovi says stunned by what she just saw. ''We really are trapped'' she says as she looks at Jericho stepping around in a circle, clearly seething with anger.

    Jericho grips his sword and pierces the flesh holding the staircase up, as the staircase let's out a shriek and shifts yet again, revealing a feint light behind it.

    Jericho tosses his sword to the ground and yells from the top of his lungs as he tries to kick the stairs, but it shifts again.

    ''Wait'' Tovi says as she walks into the stair, Jericho following behind her, as the stairs shifts from Tovi and Jericho more and more, eventually the stairs look more like a wall than a stair, as Tovi walks toward the wall of stone and flesh, the wall shifts into an entrance. and she walks through, Jericho right behind her, as soon as they are thorugh the entrance the entrance closes behind them.

    Jericho looks back, but the wall is now solid... they can't go through the way they came any longer.
    ''We're trapped again... he says sighing loudly as he looks at Tovi standing paralyzed with fear.

    ''What's wrong?'' Jericho says as he looks behind him.
    ''Shit...'' Jericho says under his breath as he stares into two gigantic crimson eyes bigger than Jericho himself, eyes belonging to a Diamond scaled dragon, taller than 3 houses stacked on top of eachother, and the dragon's crystalized teeth almost as big as trees.

    ''J-J-Jay...'' Tovi stutters as Jericho steps slowly and carefully in front of Tovi blocking her from the Dragon.

    ''easy... Dragons can't see us unless we make any sudden moves or loud noises'' Jericho says quietly

    ''R-r...really?'' Tovi says as she begins to weave a spell with her fingers, the Magic nullifier seemingly gone in this room, but as she starts to weave the spell. the dragon snarls and it's pupils shrinking into two black slits.

    ''No... I made that up...'' Jericho says as the dragon's mouth is opened and an orange glow is shining between it's teeth, Jericho standing infront of Tovi preparing to block her from the dragonfire, he closes his eyes.

    But in the same moment as the Dragon fire is released, Tovi manages to cast the spell she was weaving, and a telekinetic blast launches the Dragon fire into the dragon's own face, as it lets out a high pitched scream, and spreads it's wings to cover itself

    Jericho grabs his Sword and looks at Tovi.
    ''Launch me into the eyes... as soon as he lets his wings down.'' Jericho says as he stares at the dragon snarling and growling.

    As Tovi weaves the telekinesis spell, the dragons let's it's wings down, and she launches Jericho into the left eye of the dragon, as his sword pierces the eye and Jericho ends up inside the Dragon's Eye socket.

    '' HURRY!'' Tovi yells as she casts a shield infront of her.

    Jericho covered in the fluid from the eyeball, shuffles and hacks into the Dragon skull, as he makes his way into the Dragon's brain.

    '' Jericho Wolff, Dragon Slayer... I like the sound of that...'' he thinks to himself as he plunges his sword into the brain, hacking and slicing, untill he feels the dragon collapsing down onto the floor.

    As the corpse of the dragon falls down, he lands on his eyesocket blocking Jericho's entry.

    ''JAY?!'' Tovi yells as she tries to break off the dragon scales using her telekinesis, but to no avail, after what felt like an hour of trying to break the scales Tovi is exhausted... and Jericho is nowhere to be found.

    Using her last strength she tries to lift the dragon's head using her magic, it's painful and exhausting, but she manages to lift it ever so slightly, as she summons every inch of her power, her eyes are glowing bright blue, and for every second they are becoming more bloodshot then the second before, her nose bleeds like a faucet, and her blonde hair, starts to turn white.

    as the Dragon's head is lifted, Jericho falls out from the socket, and thuds against the floor rolling toward Tovi, as she drops the dragon's head, and the scales under it's jaw shatters against the rock floor.

    Jericho lies infront of Tovi, looking like a corpse, covered in blood, and paler than before and his lips slightly blue, as he inhales a breath of air, opening his eyes looking as bloodshot as Tovi's herselves.

    ''WE...did it'' Jericho says wheezing as he lets out a painful scream.

    ''Thank you...Tovi'' Jericho lifting his hand to grab Tovi's hand, as he passes out, and Tovi passes out on top of him.
    guul66 likes this.
  11. not as proud of this one, but eh, it's still just a WIP.
  12. Its the guulio man with his friendly criticism shit gigiddy gigiddy goo 8)

    So, this felt so much better to read. I guess the problem was in the sparsely situated lines.
    Now something I wanted to point out is quite a big no-no - writing shouting in caps.
    If you are pointing out they are yelling:
    (''JAY?!'' Tovi yells)
    then the message is recieved that they are yelling, no caps needed.
    ("Jay!?" Tovi yells)

    Next thing, you repeat some words a little too much:
    (''it's... horrifying'' Tovi says silently but her voice echoes loudly through the catacombs.
    ''Don't look at it...'' Jericho says as...)
    that really breaks the pacing of the story.
    Rather write something like
    ("It's horrifying" Tovi's voice is silent, but the echo is heard loudly through the catacombs.
    "Don't look at it" Jericho commands/asks/demands (any of these can be used, and using the right one sets the tone that Jericho uses) as/then/just before (vary these up a bit as well or try to change the order of words to remove using any of these words if possible, so they wouldn't repeat too much)...)
    Arch likes this.
  13. Yeah i try to avoid repeating the "says as" thing, and that's why i don't like writing legthy dialouge, i try to mix it up by using "utters, whispers, growls ", and stuff like that to avoid it but, when it's lengthy it's hard to remember. And did not know about the caps thing.
  14. You don't need to write lengthy, you just need to reword it a bit.
  15. I know but when i do write it lengthy (like several lines of dialouge) thats when it happens, I try to avoid it but it's hard to make it fit with the scenes sometime, which is why the "says as" unfortunatley is repeated often
  16. if they are just "says"ing then you can just remove that part:
    "Hello." Said person1
    "Hi, how are you doing?" person2 replied
    "I'm doing well"
    (example because I wasn't sure if yo understood my point.)
  17. I understand ^^ but what i mean is when i write a lot of dialouge, that's when i forget to write it like that. Or write it atleast less repetitve
  18. Jericho awakens screaming in pain and shock as he looks at his trembling hands, cold and pale.

    ''Tovi... You...'' Jericho looks down at Tovi, she's passed out, her head lying on Jericho's chest as he puts his hand on top of her head.

    Jericho carefully lifts up Tovi, placing her gently on the ground.

    Jericho looks up, his eyes widening at the sight of the dragon's corpse.
    ''Holy...shit...'' Jericho coughs repeadetly, as blood black as night exits his throat.
    ''Must've pooled in the back of my throat...'' Jericho looks down at Tovi, and then at the dragon, as he grabs his sword, jolting his hand repeadetly, with some kind of magic... the sword rejected him now, It must've served it's purpose, and now awaited it's next bearer.

    Jericho mutters as he walks around, looking for some kind of weapon, after all, this is a treasure chamber.
    several tonnes of gold covers the ground, along with silver, Gemstones, diamonds and even crateloads of platinum coins, the most valued currency in the known world.

    On top of the pile of gemstones a greatsword is spotted, it's blade almost milky white, decked in black leather woven around the handle, and two twisted steel guards.
    Jericho climbs the pile and grabs the blade, studying and swinging it back and forth as he tests it out.
    ''Not too shabby...'' Jericho smiles as he marches over to the corpse of the dragon, and starts ripping off the scales.

    Several days pass, eventually Tovi awakens and looks up, her hair has returned to her normal colour, and she looks just as she did before, Elven races are blessed with eternal youth and great amounts of power, and Tovi really showed that off now, a normal human would've most likely aged atleast 10 years after draining that amount of power, but not elves.

    ''Jay?'' Tovi looked up at Jericho ordering a large group of men to carry the treasures back to his homestead.
    ''Tovi! You're awake!'' Jericho slides down large pile of gold and silver and helps Tovi get up.

    ''Yes, what... what are you doing?'' Tovi asks smiling looking around at the men lifting crates of diamond scales, and platinum coins.

    ''I went out a while, grabbed my workers back at my village, and we're transporting this treasure to Wolff Manor, soon to be Wolff Castle!'' Jericho smiles and stretches out his arms embracing Tovi.

    ''I also asked them to give half of the treasure to your own village, it'll be awaiting you in your family house.'' Jericho says smiling as he looks at the men carrying the treasure.

    '' Thank you big guy...'' Tovi smiles and stands on her toes planting a kiss on Jericho's cheek as he smiles.

    ''Now what do you say we leave this place?'' Jericho walks toward the exit, and then at Tovi

    ''Sounds like a plan''

    Cassius Grave Castle.
    Present Time.

    Jericho walks into the castle courtyard, the forestation starting to reclaim some of it, back when he first passed through here along with Tovi, it was twisted and barren, but time heals all wounds... well most of them.

    '' The innkeep's breakfast feast was all kinds of amazing, after 8 weeks on the road, eating squirrel and boar, it kinda get's old, don't you agree?'' Jericho says looking to his left, as his eye shift from joy to sadness.

    Jericho enters the Grave Castle entrance and walks into Cassius' inner sanctum, and sits down at a table, on a chair with his name carved into it.

    '' I know you're here.'' Jericho removes his backpack and grabs a dagger from it.
    ''No need to hide, you know that... mate.''

    '' True I guess.'' A shadowy figure appears on the chair opposing Jericho, as the shadows disappear, reaveling Cassius' soul.

    ''95 times... You've been to hell 95 times, yet you keep escaping... how do you do it?'' Jericho cracks a smile.

    '' I'm still not telling you how, that's for you to learn when you get here, but you've been avoiding hell for quite a while now, have you not?'' Cassius' smiles back at Jericho.

    '' It's funny, I hated you, yet you still appear every year, to do your duty, and even though I hate being sent back there... I still appriciate the company... I almost look forward to it.'' Casisus sighs and looks around his Sanctum.

    '' yeah... I get it, you're probably the closest thing i have to a friend these days...'' Jericho laughs and twirls the knife around his fingers.
    ''But, I can't let you get loose, not untill I'm dead atleast... after that feel free'' Jericho looks at Cassius and sighs.

    ''I know, but every year, I still try, I'll either be free, or you'll provide me with some company... could be worse.''

    ''It could, yeah... So how was hell this time?''

    ''Same old... same old.''

    ''Heh, yeah, I don't imagine there's much variety down there...''

    ''How about you then?''

    '' Not much, these last 60 years have been slow... and i'm off to seek my last target, I've been avoiding it a long time, but it's time... next year you'll be free I wager.'' Jericho looks sad, and taps his fingers agaisnt the table.

    '' I might resurrect you then, with the fabled Wolff at my beck and call, no one could oppose me.'' Cassius pauses as his spirit starts to materialize, and forms a body. ''well, I guess it's time, then''

    ''Yeah, I figured.'' Jericho says as he throws his dagger between Cassius' eyes, and Cassius' corpse smolders and burns, sending his soul back to hell.

    ''Till next time.'' Jericho utters as he grabs his pack and walks out of the Grave castle,
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